Friend's Opinion -- How Important?

Another source of influence upon life decisions, like career choices, is our friends. Just as with our family, it is important to recognize that even though they may know us well and care about us enormously, in the final analysis our friends don't live our lives for us. This is not to say that we can't get valuable information from those who know us well, and, in fact, a good friend can frequently provide a perspective that we may be unable to see ourselves.

It is a real balancing act, like so many things in life. I think it is a great idea to pay attention to things our friends tell us, especially if we respect their opinions; just the same, it is possible to pay too much attention to what they say. I have a brief story from my own experience that illustrates this.

From a Troubled Family to a Good Friendship

I formed a good friendship with a fellow I met in my freshman year at the University, shortly after I had left home. I was in a somewhat precarious mental state at the time because my home life had been pretty difficult and the decision to leave was fairly traumatic. I think that because of this my friendship with this guy took on perhaps even more importance to me than it might have otherwise -- he was one of the first relatively sane people that I had encountered in quite some time.

As a result of this and my tendency to put him in a somewhat higher position in my life than I think was justified, I tended to pay more attention to his opinions than I think was reasonable. Specifically, at some point I began to develop an interest in some kind of humanistic or psychologically oriented career -- which I enthusiastically discussed with my friend.

He was so completely uninterested and unimpressed with the kinds of things I was talking about that we didn't even really have a complete conversation. Looking back on some of these conversations, I suspect now that some of his reaction was due to perhaps some prejudices or blind spots or something in his experience; in any case, whatever it was had nothing to do with me. It may also have been that he simply wanted me to pursue a more traditional career path, much like he had done -- kind of like what happens in a family situation. This is actually possible now that I think about it, because he and I did become pretty close, almost like brothers I guess you could say.

Of course an obvious interpretation would be that he was simply worried about me, thought I might wind up suffering as a result of a bad career choice. This is possible, but I'm skeptical here because a. I wasn't considering a wildly unlikely (for me) field like pro football star or rock star, and b. He knew I was a highly motivated and overall fairly capable guy. Young, plenty of energy, no dependents -- I didn't really have a lot to lose.

Like many people, especially many men, he was highly skeptical of the whole "personal growth" movement with which I had become so enthusiastically involved -- and which now appealed to me as a possible career direction. I know he cared about me as a friend but I think his prejudice toward this whole field had quite a bit to do with his lack of encouragement for me in this direction.

More "courage of my convictions" might have helped

This, then, was an excellent example of someone -- me -- paying too much attention to input from a friend. I didn't have a lot of self-confidence at the time, so my reaction was to pretty much put my plans on the shelf -- partially, at least, because my friend didn't think they were very workable.

(Note that I am not "blaming" my friend -- or anybody else -- for any of my difficulties. I made the decision to listen to his advice. This particular friend also gave me some excellent advice about establishing some financial security for myself; I didn't pay as much attention to this as I did his suggestions regarding my career. I got it backwards! In retrospect, these were mistakes -- but they were MY mistakes. It's a crucially important distinction as it kept the ability to make changes right where it belonged -- with me.)

Was he right? Interestingly enough, this website is my attempt to finally decide for myself whether my career yearnings back then were in fact workable.

I think it is safe to say, however, that even if my friend was "right," I was mistaken in putting as much credence on his opinions as I did. I would have been wiser to have taken some additional steps and to find out for myself if the career path that interested me was in fact viable or not.

I have oversimplified the situation considerably to illustrate the point. My friend's input was by no means the only factor in my career decisions, but it did have an influence on me. I feel certain now, with the luxury of hindsight, that I would have been better off if I had paid more attention to my own instincts at the time and less attention to my friend's. This is not to say that it would have been wise to ignore what he (or anyone else) had to say -- just that, since I was talking about things that affected my life it only seems reasonable that I should have been the one to have the final say.